Review from last Wednesday

The Five Love Languages of Children

“Speaking your child’s primary love language does not mean he or she will not rebel later. It does mean your child will know you love him and that can bring him security and hope; it can help you to rear your child to responsible adulthood.  Love is the foundation.” (pg. 16)

All children need all 5 of the love languages, especially under the age of 5.  Eventually they will have one love language that speaks more to them then others do.  You will need to express this to your child to keep their love tanks full, to keep them feeling loved at all times.  But they still need you to express love using all the love languages, so they will learn how to speak all five love languages to others.

As children grow and go through different stages, their primary love language may change.  And just because they may express one love language to others, does not mean that this is their own love language.

1. Physical Touch

            Matthew 19:13-14 “Then people brought little children to Jesus for Him to place His hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.””

            Physical touch is the easiest love language to use unconditionally. (pg. 30)

            Under the age of 5: hugs, kisses, holding them

            Older boys who may not want such affectionate gestures: gentle touches on the back or arm, playful wrestling even contact sports, high fives

            Older girls: same as older boys, but they need more affection from father figures who tend to not give as much physical touch as the girls get older

            Ideas for Parents: (pg.  41-42)

·        When you greet or say good-bye to your child, gather them into your arms and hold them.

·        Hug and kiss your child every day when they leave and return from school, as well as when you tuck them in at night.

·        Stroke your child’s hair or rub their back when they tell you about a difficult day or are upset.

·        Shortly after disciplining your child, take a moment to give them a hug to show them the discipline was based on the consequences of their wrongful choices but that you still love and cherish them.

·        Snuggle together on the couch when watching TV

·        Have “tickle fights” with your children.

·        Play games or sports together that require physical touch.  This will allow both shared time together and touch that is meaningful without appearing forced.

·        Hold hands during family prayer.

2.  Words of Affirmation

            Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death”

            Words of Affection: expressing appreciation for the very being of a child, saying “I love you”, commenting on physical attributes

            Words of Praise: given for what the child does; achievements, behavior or conscious attitudes.  Make sure that it is both true and justified when given.

            Words of Encouragement: given to encourage behaviors and attitudes in children.  It is easier to encourage children when we are feeling good physically.  If we are angry, it becomes hard to encourage our children.  Tone of voice is very important. Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

            Words of Guidance: direction that guides the children in moral and ethical development, try to give guidance in a positive way

            Ideas for Parents: (pg 56-57)

·        Make a habit of mentioning something specific you’ve observed that highlights your child’s accomplishments.

·        Put a Post-it note in their lunchbox with some encouraging words.

·        Take a picture or other creation your child has created and frame it in a special frame with a note of why it means so much to you.

·        Call your child at home whenever you think of them just to say, “I love you.”

·        Create a special name of affection for your child that is only used between the two of you.

·        Make it a habit to say, “I love you” whenever you tuck in your child or leave one another.

·        When your child is feeling down, share five reasons why you are proud of them.

·        When a child makes a mistake trying to do something helpful, first use words to recognize that you knew of their good intentions.

3. Quality Time

            Giving focused attention to your child. It conveys the message of “You are important. I like being with you.”  Quality time takes effort on the parents part.  Be sure to give each child their own quality time.

            Quality time is a great way to get to know your child better.  It will usually lead to quality conversations between you and your child.  For younger children, a great place for quality time is at bed time. 

            Ideas for Parents: (pg. 70-72)

·        Stop what you are doing to make eye contact with your child as they tell you something important.

·        Schedule a specific “date time” with each of your children individually.

·        Create “traditions” with your child of a certain place you regularly go, perhaps to eat ice cream or to play at a particular park.

·        Occasionally take family walks or bike rides together.  Seek opportunities to spend time together that also include exercise.

·        Share more meals together as a family.

·        Plant something together. For those with outdoor oriented children, time together in a garden can create lifelong positive memories.

·        On a rainy day, open up a photo album that has pictures of your child’s earlier life.  Sit together and talk about the fun and emotion of the events in the pictures.

4.  Gifts

            A true gift is not payment for services rendered; rather, it is an expression of love for the individual and is freely given by the donor. (pg .76)   

            A gift doesn’t need to be expensive or large, it can be anything given in love.  Even necessities, such as clothes, can be gifts.  Try wrapping them and giving them in a fun, expressive way.

            For older children, gifts can be chosen together, so their opinion can be voiced as to what they want.

            Ideas for parents: (pg. 85-86)

·        Keep a small collection of inexpensive gifts packed away for your child.  Then give them one at a time as you sense there is a need.

·        Select presents that fit the interests of your child.

·        When away from home, mail a small package to your child with their name on it.

·        Create a scavenger hunt for a gift that includes a map and clues along the way to the main surprise.

·        Hide a small gift in your child’s lunchbox.

·        Consider a gift that lasts, such as a tree you can plant together or a board game you can play together in the future.

·        For young children, find “nature gifts” such as wildflowers or special stones wrapped in a special paper or box.

·        Give hints leading toward a special upcoming gift. A “countdown” of notes such as, “Only four more days until present day,” help create huge anticipation and a tremendous amount of love for those who especially enjoy receiving gifts.

5.  Acts of Service

            We serve our children, but as they are ready, we teach them how to serve themselves and then others.  (pg 91)

            The ultimate purpose for acts of service to children is to help them emerge as mature adults who are able to give love to others through acts of service. (pg 95)  We are role models to our children; they first feel acts of service from us as young children. As they get older, they recognize acts of service that have been given to them over the years, and what parents do for others.

            Ideas for parents: (pg 101-102)

·        Make a favorite snack when your son or daughter is having a difficult day.

·        For younger children, set up your child’s favorite toys while they are taking a nap or are at school so they can immediately play with them (with you!).

·        During a time when your child is sick, go the extra step by setting up their favorite movie, reading them stories, or making their favorite soup.

·        Begin teaching your child the importance of serving others through regular involvement together in a local community group or church ministry.

·        Make a list of several of your child’s favorite things they do with you. Then periodically do one of their favorites when they expect it.

·        Create flash cards for your child’s upcoming test or quiz. Work together with your child until they feel confident with the material.

·        Assist your child in fixing a favorite broken toy or bicycle. Simply taking the time to repair it communicates love to a child whose love language is acts of service.

Discovering your child’s love language

• Observe how your child expresses love to you
• Observe how your child expresses love to others
• Listen to what your child requests most often
• Notice what your child most frequently complains about
• Give your child a choice between two options (ex: Would you like for me to bake you an apple pie (acts of service) or for us to take a walk in the park (quality time)?)